


Remembrance

by shirozora



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Gen, asian shepard, best or worst decision since buying Inquisition last Thanskgiving, for whatever definition of ficlet there is, post-Virmire ficlet, so I bought the ME trilogy over the Thanksgiving weekend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-16
Updated: 2015-12-16
Packaged: 2018-05-06 23:32:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5434943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shirozora/pseuds/shirozora
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Don’t go there. How many times did I tell you-”</p>
<p>“You made the call, I know,” Ashley says. “I’m not arguing about it anymore. But I have three sisters. I know when they need someone to talk to, someone to listen to them. Don’t give me that look, skipper. I’m not going to recite any poetry but I’ll listen to whatever you have to say.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Remembrance

There’s a knock on the doorway and Shepard looks up to see Ashley hovering just outside her quarters. “Commander. Can I come in?”

Shepard nods and moves to the edge of her bed while Ashley sits stiffly in the nearest chair. She leans forward, waiting for Ashley to speak and watching how tightly she clenches her left hand.

“So,” Ashley says conversationally, “ever think you’d end up stealing the Normandy under the Council’s collective noses?”

“Wish I didn’t have to,” Shepard says. “But they left me no choice.”

“After all these months, they still wouldn’t believe anything you put in your reports.” Ashley shakes her head. “After everything we went through, everyone we lost….”

_Oh._

Her heart hurts but she takes a deep breath, steadying herself. “Don’t go there. How many times did I tell you-”

“You made the call, I know,” Ashley says. “I’m not arguing about it anymore. But I have three sisters. I know when they need someone to talk to, someone to listen to them. Don’t give me that look, skipper. I’m not going to recite any poetry but I’ll listen to whatever you have to say.”

“I don’t have anything to say,” Shepard begins but stops at the look Ashley gives her. 

“Joker found you moping around on the Normandy all by yourself.”

“Because they wouldn’t listen. They wouldn’t believe my reports, my word as a _Spectre_ ,” she says and then catches herself. But the dam is broken and her heart hurts so much. “I keep wondering what he’d say to all this. To mutiny and stealing the Normandy to find the Mu Relay.”

“I think even he’d agree that this is the right thing to do. We all saw what we’re up against. That’s why we’re here with you.”

Shepard traces circles on her knee, trying to imagine what cautionary tale he’ll tell her. There were none the last time they talked before the Virmire assignment. 

“I thought I couldn’t live with myself if I had to shoot Wrex,” she says softly. “But I talked him down and that made me feel invincible, like I could do anything, save everyone. I really thought that I could get both of you out of there, but the countdown was too close and the Normandy would never outrun the blast radius. Better to lose one man than the whole ship.”

Her breath hitches and she rubs her burning eyes. She could still see his smile, the small genuine one that crept in with every assignment and every mission they completed. He tried not to let it get away from him, reminding her that they’re soldiers first and stopping Saren was priority, but he was starting to unravel, realizing that they shouldn’t waste any more time. 

But the mission always came first.

_“Go suit up. We’ll talk later,”_ she promised when Joker announced that they were approaching Virmire. 

_“I’d like that.”_

She looks up when Ashley leans forward, making the chair creak. 

“It still sucks,” Ashley says. “It always will. I think you need to remember that. That it’s okay to be human, even in front of the others.”

She holds out her clenched left hand and opens it to reveal dog tags, still carried by various members of the Alliance branches for sentimental reasons. “Before we left the Citadel for Virmire, LT and I got to drinking and talking about the assignment. We decided that if something happened to one of us, the other should give you their dog tags. So, here. These are yours now.”

She tips her hand and Shepard catches them. She looks down at the engraved words on the tags and smiles bitterly. “Thank you.”

“Anything for you, Commander,” Ashley says. “Just… don’t tell anyone we had this conversation. Like I said, I have a reputation to keep.”

“I know. Your secret’s safe with me, Chief.”

Ashley rises from the chair and gives her a respectful nod. “You know where to find me, skipper.”

Shepard watches her leave and then looks down at the tags again. She traces his name, his branch and rank, his blood type and identification, the note about his L2 implants, and then gathers them in her right hand. 

“Kaidan,” she says softly. “I’m so sorry. I wish….” _I wish I could save you both. That I didn’t have to choose just one._

All the therapy in the galaxy couldn’t stop her from swearing never to let anything like Akuze happen again, an impossible promise that she tried to keep anyway. Every loss after that hurt, every civilian and soldier she couldn’t save, but losing Kaidan hit hardest because she made her decision knowing what she was asking him to do, what they were giving up to save the galaxy. She wondered what he thought in the seconds before the bomb detonated, if he regretted anything. If he was grateful for what they did have.

Joker’s voice crackles through the comm. _“Commander. Approaching the Mu Relay. Thought you’d want to come up to see this.”_

“On my way,” she responds. She looks down at the tags once more and murmurs in her grandfather’s native tongue before putting them on. She hides the tags under her uniform and heads up to the command deck, the words echoing in her head.

_잊지 않을께._

**Author's Note:**

> _I won't forget you._
> 
>  
> 
> So. Mass Effect. Fun times. Decided to start with an asian femShep (with a navy brat/sole survivor background) since that's the closest build to my Hero of Ferelden. I knew about Garrus being an LI in ME2 so I told myself I'd wait. Then Kaidan happened that freaking dork and half the crew was gossiping about Shepard and Kaidan and Liara (Liara is so cute and precious and a complete nerd and I love nerds look at Dorian) and I was so weak. And then I accidentally learned about Virmire.
> 
> And decided to make Shepard's life suck extra hard by having her rescue Ashley. I'm so excited to play this Shepard in ME2 but this is still emotionally distressing.


End file.
